The Big Smoke

As far as I can tell, all the fucker did was take some LSD and start some weird cult. Whoop-dee-doo. People do both of those things all the time, and normally we don't put them on TV until they kill themselves.

Here's my big issue with this: When I was 17, I dropped acid too, except, like most people, I was smart enough to not mistake the melty walls for fucking God. I was smart enough to remind myself that it was just a bunch of chemicals in my brain. And that's what most people who drop acid experience as well, I hope.

To me, it sounds like Tim Leary is the kind of pathetic loser who can't handle is drugs and freaks out and starts screaming. Those people are a pain in the ass, and no one invites them anywhere because they ruin all the fucking fun.

But, no, the fucking baby boomers have once again convinced themselves that they're hot shit, and that they're the genius generation that tried to save the world.

I hate this baby-boomer shit. For my entire life, I've had the fucking 60s shoved down my throat, as if it were some kind of amazingly important event in world history. Guess what, fuckhead? Every generation of young people wears stupid clothes, and listens to new music and takes drugs and talks about politics. All that shit that you considered profound back then? I bet you right now that there's thousands of 16 year-olds sitting around right now doing the exact same thing. Except now they're called 'goths' and 'emos' instead of 'hippies'.

The only difference between baby-boomers and the less annoying generations is that when they grew up and got jobs and joined the world, they continued to convince themselves that they were making a difference instead of just following some retarded teenage trend, and so they still, decades later, watch VH1 and blare Classic Rock all over the place and make up bullshit phrases like 'I didn't sell out, I bought in'.

That generation needs to die soon. I'm tired of younger people having to live in the shadows of those fuckheads. And I am really fucking tired of classic rock. How many more hours of my life am I going to be forced to listen to that fucking talentless noodling?

I had a really good Valentine's Day, so as a tribute to a day that I used to think was crap, I'm going to quickly recommend the three best Romance Films I've seen this year.

3) Twilight Samurai AKA Tasogare Seibei AKA Samurai in Love AKA Iguchi, the Littlest Samurai 

Holy shit, this was an awesome film. There's be a fuckload of good Samurai movies, but this one still manages to stand out, and it's definitely a whole different take on the genre. But the best part of all is that this movie so beautifully builds up to it's climax, which is probably my favourite single scene in movie history.

Those of you who know Hiroyuki Sanada know he's a fucking awesome actor, but he rocks the house in this one. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say this is the greatest Sanada performance save Kamui No Ken, and a Samurai movie that can rank with Kurosawa.

Erm, basically, this is about Iguchi, the luckless samurai who can never catch a break. And then he falls in love.

Esperanto people piss me off. They act like they're saving the world and evolving into some kind of new and better forum of humanity and I'm damned sick of it.

Once upon a time I took a few Linguistics classes, and on one of the finals, there were a bunch of questions about motherfucking Esperanto. Now, is a language that's completely artificial really a valid scientific example of a human language? Like, could I get my biology degree by analyzing a picture some kid drew of a dog?

Every time you meet, or read anything by, an Esperanto freak, it's inevitably trying to get you to join their batty pseudo-religion, and I'm getting fucking sick of hearing about that made-up fantasy language, so, in an attempt to get Esperanto speakers to leave me the fuck alone, I've decided to write a counterpoint to this Why We Should Learn Esperanto page I stumbled.

1) The first practical reason which I want to mention is to enjoy yourself. By means of Esperanto you can meet and become acquainted with many good-hearted, interesting, educated, clever, talented persons. You can travel to various countries throughout the world.

Say I decide to visit, to pick a random example, Taiwan. Wouldn't it be smarter of me, if I wanted to not get lost, and to communicate with the locals, to, you know, learn fucking Mandarin or Taiwanese? Do you think learning a language that few if any people speak at all is really going to be useful travelling? I mean I suppose I could find some Esperanto club, but when you're travelling, you're probably going to have to ask for directions.

According to the article, this is but one of the many situations in which a strong command of Esperanto will come in useful.

Aside from that, what's really going to get me in touch with Taiwan's culture? Esperanto in my freaky decorationless, white-walled Esperanto shrine, or Chinese on the streets of Taipei?

2) The second practical reason is to have like-minded friends (some of whom you have not even previously met) who will greet you and welcome you anywhere in the world.

Fair enough, but:

If you want to gain money, study English; but if you want to have friends, learn Esperanto.

Shut the fuck up you bastard. That's true of any language, even if you just stay home. Seriously, my first language is Portuguese, and anytime I hear someone speaking it here in Canada, it's an instant friendship. If you think the members of your insane fake language cult are the only people who experience that, try living far from home and hearing your native language.

If I wanted to learn a language just to make friends, I'd learn Cantonese or Mandarin or Hindi or Korean or Turkish or any large language really. You can find speakers all over the world, and they appreciate like hell when a foreigner puts the effort into learning their tongue.

Besides, when you learn Hindi, you can talk about something other than the Hindi language. What's the only thing Esperanto speakers ever talk about?

3) The third practical reason for learning Esperanto, especially for children in English-speaking and Asian lands, is that Esperanto provides a good way of beginning the study of a language other than your native tongue. Various experiments show that pupils learn the rule-guided language Esperanto more rapidly than European national languages such as English and French.

They must have been teaching it to some pretty retarded children, then. If you actually have to spend the effort of learning a brand new vocabulary, and get absolutely nothing as a result, you shouldn't be proud of yourself, you should be pissed off.

I'd never force my kid to learn Esperanto. I don't want my child's introduction to the world to be some Sysiphean nightmare.

4) Let me turn now to the second kind of reason for studying Esperanto, namely, to expand your mind in order to have a better understanding of the world. As Canadian Esperantist Dr. Stevens Norvell of Nova Scotia rightly notes, Esperanto is "a window to the world." When you are able to read and hear Esperanto, you can use it to become informed about other countries, other cultures, and other viewpoints through books, newspapers, magazines, sound-tapes, videotapes, radio and television broadcasts, web-sites, and web-messages. You can acquire information from a neutral point of view about what is happening throughout the whole world.

Fuck off, you cunt. You want a window to the world, look at the language you're typing in: Half the books in the world currently are published in English. More books have been translated into English than any other language, along with a substantial body of shit written in English itself.

95% of the books published in Esperanto are translated, and most of those are from English. Beside, art is rooted in the cultures it comes from. Can a great novel really work in a language without any cultural context? Of course not.

And neutral? I've never met a more fanatical zealot than the average Esperanto speaker. Do you think I can reasonably expect neutrality from someone who violently dedicates themselves to a linguistic game of 'Let's Pretend'? Ha, Esperanto speakers make Ben Laden look like an emotionless machine.

But as an example of media available in Esperanto, here's a clip from William Shatner's low budget Esperanto film, "Incubus":

The only other Esperanto movie ever made was destroyed by it's director, because it just sucked so bad. I think that should be a wonderful example of the brave new worlds you're opening yourself up to by learning Esperanto.

Last but most retarded:

5) The third kind of reason to learn Esperanto is for me personally the most important. It is the moral reason, and it has two sides. First, you can have a relationship with other persons throughout the world on the basis of equality and justice because you are using the world-wide neutral language Esperanto instead of your own national language. You will not require others to use your language, and they will not require you to use their language. Consequently there exists a feeling of equality and justice between you and others. The second aspect of the moral kind of reason for learning Esperanto is the fact that, as an Esperantist, you are helping to create an evolving harmonious global community. Through Esperanto you become part of an important historical movement which promotes a sense of solidarity among all humans. Esperanto is not only a language. We Esperantists constitute a totally new kind of universal community based on the use of our global language. We together are now moving beyond the inter-nationalism of the twentieth century to the globalism of the twenty-first century. Nevertheless, at the same time we are helping to conserve the many national languages in the various parts of the world, thus preserving linguistic diversity.

So what this fuckhead is trying to say is that he's actually saving the world by starting a kooky little cult and calling it a nationality.

Get a load of this, shit-for-brains: Esperanto is a mishmash of Western European languages. As far as I can tell, 100% of the vocabulary is drawn from German, French, Italian or Spanish. As a native speaker of Portuguese, I can already make out a good 75% of Esperanto just by guessing. Do you think a native speaker of Swahili or Japanese or Hindi would be able to learn the language with the same ease? Of course fucking not. What you've done is made for yourself a big, ugly White's Only club and now you violently impose yourselves upon us like the saviours of humanity.

Interestingly enough, a brief search on the web will show you that the majority of Esperanto sites out there are aimed at indoctrinating children. Yeah, that's not fucked up.

Is anyone honestly stupid enough to believe that learning a fake language with no culture and no real history going to help you universalize humanity or some shit? Hell, if you really want to contribute to multicultural diversity, instead of cutting yourself off from the rest of the world, and starting a cult which you euphemistically and psychotically refer to as a cult, why not learn a real language, and translate a great book? Are you doing more of a service to spreading tolerance and cultural understanding by cutting yourself off from the world and spitting on every culture in existence, or by increasing appreciation in your own nation for that of others?

You Esperanto shits are no better than Scientologists or Heaven's Gate or any of those other blatant psychopaths, and you're more aggressive missionaries than Jehova's Witnesses. Get the fuck off my planet.

I just read Bianca’s post on English-Language reinovator Wiliam Quick, and I found this at the top of every page on his site:

And at the bottom of every post, check out this widget bloat bullshit:

Director: Barry Sonnenfeld Starring: Will Smith, Tommy Lee Jones, Rip Torn, Girl Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series.

Men in Black star Rip Torn is Best Known for his Role on ‘The Larry Sanders Show’. A comedy about the industry?! It’s like I’m laughing with the stars!

There’s nothing more I love watching than Rich Actors bitch about their jobs! It must be so difficult reading lines on camera, and then making millions of dollars!

Some of you might have a bias against Men In Black, and I don’t blame you. I remember for a few years there, you couldn’t go a fucking minute without hearing those stupid fucking Will Smith songs. Especially ‘Gettin’ Jiggy With It’. Why the fuck do they play songs so much like that? Even if it’s a good song, do you think I’m going to go out and buy the CD when I hear that song everywhere I go, or every time I turn on the radio? Do I need to hear "Jiggy" in my sleep as well? That’s a rhetorical question, because when you play the same retarded song that often, I start to hear it in my fucking nightmares.

This is a hilarious comedy (or ‘an hilarious comedy’ as we film critics say), with lots of cools special effects and so on, but the thing that really makes this film a classic is all the retarded closplayers you get when you do an image search. Even better than the cosplayers is the fucks who cleverly spoof this movie by wearing a suit, or black clothing.

A-hahaha! They’re priests! They’re Men in Black! A-haha! Good one Guys!

Avoid the sequel if possible. It has it’s moments, but for the most part it’s a turd. Speaking of Sonnenfeld sequels, avoid, at every fucking cost, that piece of shit ‘Adams Family Values’. Come to think of it, Sonnenfeld is lucky to have make two or three good movies considering he’s not much more than a Tim Burton-wannabe. I like a lot of Burton films, but you could easily pick a less gothy idol. Suicide time-bomb isn’t something to aspire to, man.

Who the Fuck?

Who the fuck cares about my health so much that it bothers them I smoke at home, or in the alley behind my work? For all the ever-loving care they exude upon me, for the healthy decades they want to add to my life, where are all these people when I need it? If all of you anti-smoking activists really want to do me a favour, give me some money when I’m broke. Fill in for me at work. Help me do my taxes. Because from my point of view, all you folks are doing is condemning me to an extra-long life of shit and stress, and taking away my primary form of relaxation.

I know second-hand smoke is unhealthy, and you’ll catch me dead before you catch me smoking around non-smokers. And I’d never smoke in front of kids. If I see a kid, I hide my cigarette, even if it burns my hand. And if I smoke in public, I find a hidden place to do it. I don’t want to blow smoke in people’s face - it’s rude to make people smell you.

A) Smoking Makes You Hot. B) Ugly People are Bitter and Complain about Stupid Shit that Doesn’t Affect them Personally. C) ??? I don’t want to draw any conclusions based on what we educated people call a "syllogism" but I’m just sayin’…

I’m young, so I haven’t been in the workforce for decades, but I remember when I was guaranteed, by law, five minutes an hour. Now I get thirty minutes every four hours unless I’ve got a boss who smokes as well and feels some sympathy.

There was a time when people who worked office jobs were not only allowed to smoke, but to drink. Seriously. They weren’t allowed to get pissed, but they could sip on something to calm their nerves. Us modern folk are working the same jobs, same hours, and we can’t smoke or drink? All we have is coffee, and I don’t know about you but coffee makes me a fuck of a lot more fucking tense, man. You expect me to do quality work, and you provide me no means of marginalizing the stress and focusing on what I’m fucking doing? Fuck you, man.

Why do you think people spend all day at work not doing shit but surfing the net and sending knock-knock joke e-mails. If you’ve got a four+ hour stretch of nothing but work, you’re not going keep your focus that long, without some kind of release. I can sip a drink as I work, and I can run out for five minutes to smoke, but if I loose my focus and start sending retarded joke e-mails, I’m done for that four hours. There’s your productivity issues right there man.

And fuck a long life. You know, I still have a longer life ahead of me smoking than most of humanity has ever been gifted - longer than most people alive today can expect. Ever been to an old-world museum with graves? The average peasant (nearly everyone) was damned lucky to make it to thirty years of age. If I can make it to even 45 smoking, that’s still a blessed gift from modern civilization. I’m not gonna get greedy and beg for eighty.