Quinta-feira, 01 Fevereiro 2007

Jurassic Park - 95th Best Movie

Director: Steven Spielberg Starring: Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum Part of my 100 Best Movies in History Series.

He sounded South African to me, so I can’t tell if the Robert Muldoon was a razor-sharp commentary on Apartheid or on the late politician Robert Muldoon, or as us internet pundits call him "The Kiwi Thatcher".

I’m not too good for Spielberg films. In fact, I like a lot of Spielberg movies. Except when he’s being a fucking cunt. What I’m talking about is when he said that ‘Life is Beautiful’ was laughing at the Holocaust, while claiming in the same breath that he hadn’t seen it and would never see it.

First off: Criticizing a movie you’ve never fucking seen?

Second off: ‘Life is Beautiful’ was easily the most heart-breaking holocaust/WWII movie of all time. ‘Schindler’s List’ and ‘Saving Private Ryan’, on the other hand, were nothing but fake, canned emotion. Those two films are fucking blatant exploitation: Spielberg profited more off the Holocaust than Hitler ever did.

Schindler’s List was especially bad for fake Hollywood emotion. It was like watching a fucking Very Special Episode of Full House.

But Jurassic Park is Spielberg doing what he does best: Making mindless blockbusters, and damn is this this a classic. It’s also proof that CGI doesn’t have to suck ass. I don’t know what happened to the industry, that when CGI came out, they threw their arms up in the air and said, "The Age of Professionalism is Over! We’ll never have to do good special effects again!"


Jurassic Park uses heavy CGI and it looks ten times less phony than any CGI films that’s come in the last ten years. And this was fucking 1993, he was using some primitive technology. And check this shit out:

"I’m still amused by people who somehow think that when you use cyber-technology or digital technology in movies, suddenly it’s ‘fake’ — but when you look at a scene in here in Jabba’s palace, now there’s some digital characters in here, but they’re no more or less fake than all the other characters in here. I mean, is a digital character more fake than a big fat rubber character?" - GEORGE FUCKING LUCAS


Did I fucking hear that properly? Or have I gone fucking insane? I know movies aren’t reality, but there’s such a thing as putting out a professional fucking product. The Star Wars prequels looked like an F- film school project. And it’s not because of CGI itself, it’s because of your lack of talent as a film maker.

George Lucas is a fucking hack. Everything good about Star Wars was either someone else’s idea, or ripped off from a Japanese film. And that fuckhead has so much sway in the industry that he can not only prevent Japanese films from having mainstream releases in the West (presumably so he can steal from them some more), but he has actually ruined special effects forever. Fuck you, Lucas.

In conclusion, Jurassic Park is a very good movie. Five stars.

Ugly Sexy - Laura Dern is a good actress, but she’s not that hot, and ‘I Am Sam’?! I can’t believe I actually watched that shit, you cunt. That was almost as fake as a Spielberg WWII movie.

Anti-Establishment - There’s some shit about scientists, and man playing God, but you can fast-forward through those parks. Akira did it better.
 

Never try and step up to Akira, motherfucking amature!


Rock and Roll - Just some mainly quiet film-score music here. Spielberg doesn’t actually like listening to music, he prefers the sound of his own smug self-satisfaction.

Escrito por Caio em 07:15:41 | Link permanente | Comments (0) |

Quarta-feira, 31 Janeiro 2007

Hundred Best Movies - Supplementary Feature

When I was using Google Image Search to find some Pulp Fiction pics to steal for the last article, I saw a dark underbelly of the Internet I never want to see again.

The first site I tried was some kind of insane fan fiction site, or possibly some kind of proposed sequel. I was going to link it, but I was sort of embarrassed for the author’s sake and thought he would be best off left alone, in his tiny, but no doubt more comfortable, isolated world, safe from the pity and scorn his site begs for.

Then I find this movie review site where they claimed Pulp Fiction was "The American Graffiti of Crime Movies". Fucking what? American Graffiti? American fucking Graffiti? If I had never seen Pulp Fiction before, and I read that review, I would never touch any Tarantino flick fucking ever.

And then, to intensify the madness, I get linked to this motherfucking German site with fifty fucking Java applets on it. My CPU went fucking insane for fifteen minutes - so insane that I couldn’t turn off or reboot it. Once I finally got the computer working again and restarted, my Firefox was broken, so I had to fucking reinstall it thanks to that fucking Kraut, and I lost all my RRSes.

Well, my first reaction was to loudly scream that the Krauts never suffered for the Holocaust and that we should start killing all their women and children indiscriminately. I calmed down a bit, though, and I take back my genocide-revenge threats, but I will say this: I will give Firefox or Google literally two months salary to make it so it blocks system-destroying pages, or to assassinate the guy who invented Java who is once again leading the very impressionable German race down yet another dark and dangerous path.

In conclusion, having had a chance to observe some of Pulp Fiction’s fans, I’m strongly considering taking it off my ‘best of’ list.

Escrito por Caio em 12:03:13 | Link permanente | Comments (0) |

Mel Gibson

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

I hate to sound like I think I’m so hip and ahead of the trends, but I hated Mel Gibson long before he was "officially" an asshole.

I also hate to sound too cool for Hollywood movies. I fucking love Hollywood movies. Most of my life spent in frenzied anticipation for the next time I get to hear a Magical Negro warn a grizzled dude who is ‘too old for this shit’ about some half-assed CGI cartoons biting off his large large penis-shaped weapon.

But Jesus Mary Motherfucker, Mel Gibson movies are the most Hollywood bullshit in the world. I’m glad I’ll never have to watch another fucking movie about how a psychic gynaecologist uses his magical powers to randomly rape chicks, and not have this movie be a surreal horror film or a shitty episode of Star Trek.


God fuck it, his movies are so fucking Hollywood, you’d think he was a fucking scientologist.  Only scientologists can make movies that fucking redundant and boring. He’s got every stupid fucker in Southern California wrapped so tightly around his dick that I’m sure in 2007 when his Aztec Braveheart movie comes out, they’ll create a new Oscar for ‘Hates Kykes the Most’.
Escrito por Caio em 11:21:31 | Link permanente | Comments (0) |

Dear Reuters, State Department Officials, Planet Earth

I keep seeing things like this article.

Get it straight. Six million Jews died in the Holocaust. At least nine million people died in the holocaust. My own grandfather, a Catholic Pole, was in a concentration camp. About half the European population of Gypsies died.

I hate to be nitpicky, but that’s just something everyone should know. Is the holocaust not an important enough event that we should be making this kind of mistake?

I hate to lay the blame all on Reuters, because I see it made a lot. Fucking hell.
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Speaking of Reuters and Iran’s pissoff views of the Holocaust, check out this article. read the headline, and then read the body of the article, and ask yourself if maybe Reuters isn’t hyping up the situation a bit. Yeah, nothing new under the sun, but it makes me ask myself why the fuck I’m actually reading Reuters? Oh, yeah, I remember now: Every other news source is just as shitty.
Escrito por Caio em 10:56:24 | Link permanente | Comments (0) |